YOU KNOW YOU'RE A UNITED METHODIST IF:

You don’t take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed.
You know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device.
“The Upper Room” is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper.
You sit while singing “Stand up, stand up for Jesus.”
You’ve ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn.
Tithing is encouraged but widely ignored.
The word apportionment sends a chill down your spine.
Your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a saint.
Your pastor moves every four or five years and you like that.
Your congregation’s Christmas pageant includes both boy and girl wise men.
You know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn’t a trick football play involving four lateral passes.
You realize that the Book of Discipline is not meant to help raise children
Your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads.
You’d rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee (or SPRC, Trustees, Finance, etc.) You’re asked to donate money to a “special offering” every other Sunday.
When the worship service lasts for more than one hour, the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn.

About these ads