Thoughts From The Heart On The Left

June 25, 2008

George Carlin

Filed under: Humor — DrTony @ 5:11 pm

It was a great shock to hear that George Carlin died. While I may have disagreed with some of his views and I certainly thought that he went a little overboard with some of his routines, he was still one of the funniest guys I ever heard. So here the routines that I think were pretty good.

First, we start off with Wonderful WINO

Then we break for the news (this contains the “hippy-dippy weatherman” segment; note the references are from 1967 so some of you might not understand the jokes.)

And finally, probably his most classic routine, “the difference between football and baseball”

As I said, there were some things that he said that I didn’t like but, for the most part, his observations on life and his humor were funny. He will be missed.

June 16, 2008

Job Announcement for a Tenure-track position

Filed under: Chemistry, Humor — DrTony @ 9:11 am

Typical State College

The Department of Astronomy, Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry, Zoology, and Zeppelin Repair at Typical State College in Erehwon has (pending approval of funding) a tenure-track faculty position open starting Autumn, 2008.

Ph.D. required; teaching and postdoctoral experience strongly preferred, as well as a proven history of acquiring outside funding for research. Preference will be given to experimentalists who can set up a prize-winning research program that successfully involves our illiterate culturally deprived undergraduates and prison work-release inmates and attracts high levels of outside funding.

Up to $50.00 in start-up funds are available, which will be deducted in monthly installments from the successful suck–er, candidate’s first year salary. Teaching excellence at all levels is required, as well as participation in single-handed development of introductory and advanced laboratories.

Duties include teaching (typical load is no more than 168 hours per week), maintenance of a rigorous and well-funded research program, and service on college committees and administration, including selling programs at athletic events and chauffeuring Coach Goodolboy’s football players around town.

Available research facilities include a machine shop (on a time-shared basis with the Midas Muffler franchise in Erehwon), a broken but repairable Tasco 60mm refractor, dual IBM 1800 computers each with 4K of core, a PDP-11 with high-speed paper-tape reader, a large refrigerator, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Candidates in the following fields are especially encouraged to apply: Astronomical Infrared Instrumentation, Experimental Condensed Matter Physics, Experimental Quantum Optics, Experimental Cosmology, Biophysics, and Advanced Grantsmanship, but outstanding applicants in all areas of astronomy and physics will be considered if their applications include a large enough check.

To apply, send a letter of application (including an outline of intended research and involvement of students, and a history of successful grant applications along with a curriculum vitae and three letters of reference) to:  Dr. Tenured Lint, Chair - Department of Astronomy, Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry, Zoology, and Zeppelin Repair, Typical State College, Erehwon, Everywhere 12345-0666.

Only in extreme circumstances will persons without the ability to walk on water be considered. Review of applications will begin on April 1, 2008. Typical State College is required by law to say that it is an Equal Opportunity/Affirmative Action employer and especially welcomes applications from women and minority scientists but we hire who we darn well please.

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I have been seeking a full-time teaching position (or any position that would utilize my background, skills, and experience for that matter) for the better part of the year.  In December, I made the interview stage for one position but the search was canceled after the three finalists met with the administration.  Recently, the same thing happened with another search.  I made it through two of the three interviews before the search was canceled.  In the first case, they notified me that the search was being canceled; I had to learn about the second one through job postings.  I will keep trying.

Ten Pretty Good Rules

Filed under: Humor — DrTony @ 9:01 am

My notes say that these rules were first compiled by Fellows of the Studies Group at the Naval War College in Newport, Rhode Island (1982 -1983) and modified by D. A. Stuart in 1984.

  1. Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty and the pig likes it! Corollary: Never try to teach a pig to sing; it annoys the pig and it can’t be done anyway.
  2. Never argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference!
  3. Observe everything; admire nothing [know you're ignorant!]
  4. It’s easier to obtain forgiveness than it is permission!
  5. Rarely resist the opportunity to keep your mouth shut!
  6. Don’t ask the question if you cannot live with the answer!
  7. If you want a new idea, read an old book!
  8. If you don’t know [care] where you’re going, any road will take you there!
  9. Never have a philosophy which supports a lack of [integrity or] courage!
  10. Never look back unless you intend to go that way!

May 7, 2008

Interesting tidbits of sports trivia

Filed under: Humor — DrTony @ 4:50 pm

I don’t remember when I cut out these two stories but I know I kept them because they were interesting.  And in at least the first instance, we have probably seen the sign that is mentioned.

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USC’s heavy load floors elevator

You know those elevator signs that say “2,000 pounds maximum”?  They speak the truth — as 10 Southern Cal football players learned.

The 10 were riding a campus dorm elevator when it shut down, stranding them between floors without air conditioning until elevator mechanics arrived — more than an hour later.

The 10: Chris Brymer (300 pounds) Grant Boetler (310) Matt McShane (285) Darrell Russell (305), Taso Papadakis (240) Brett Samperi (280), Mark Manskar (240), David Pratchard (290), Jason Grain (290), and Shawn Walters (235).

Total load: 2,775 pounds

This is also an example of the use of significant figures in an addition problem but we won’t go into what is significant or the figures at this time.

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And the second story

Quotable

Scott Walker, drag racing mechanic in studying Al Hofmann’s new Pontiac funny car, on giving a new version of “R&D” or research and development: “I’m doing some R&D.  That’s rob and duplicate.”

Have a good day.  :)

May 5, 2008

Virus Warning

Filed under: Humor — DrTony @ 4:34 pm

It has been a typical Monday with the usual job search rejections and comments about how my qualifications and experience are impressive but the company wants to hire someone else (which probably means a few years younger).

And to top if all off, I got the following warning about a virus in the e-mail.

WARNING, VIRUS ALERT:

If you receive an email message with a subject line of “Badtimes,” delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.  This is the most dangerous virus yet developed.

It will rewrite your hard drive.  Not only that, but it will scramble any computer disks and cassette tapes that are even close to your computer (up to 20 feet).

It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.  It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.  It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother’s number. It is insidious and subtle.  It is dangerous virus to be taken very seriously.

It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.  It will drink all your beer.  It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only 1940’s hits and static while stuck in traffic.

It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not even matter if she is dead, such is the power of “Badtimes;” it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It will overwrite your word documents, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretation of key sentences.

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.  It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.  It will remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk carton with whole.

Badtimes is an evil virus conceived by evil people.  It is your duty to help alert the world!

PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

By the way, the part about the “Badtimes Virus” is a joke that has been around for some time.  But the job search is not going well and I have been told that my credentials are in fact impressive and my qualifications do match the position but that the company has found someone who is a better fit.  My resume is posted on another page of this blog and if you know of something, let me know.

April 10, 2008

Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! The Invisible Killer

Filed under: Chemistry, Humor — DrTony @ 3:47 pm

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

  • is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
  • contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”
  • may cause severe burns.
  • contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
  • accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
  • may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
  • has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. The pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

  • as an industrial solvent and coolant.
  • in nuclear power plants.
  • in the production of styrofoam.
  • as a fire retardant.
  • in many forms of cruel animal research.
  • in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
  • as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

IT’S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don’t know can hurt you and others throughout the world.

If you are confused about what dihydrogen monoxide might be, it’s chemical formula is H2O and it is commonly called water.

Per various and sundry regulations, the MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet) for this compound is located here.  To settle your nerves, you might try some coffee but read its MSDS sheet first (located here)

April 5, 2008

A Child’s Book Report on the entire Bible…

Filed under: Church, Humor — DrTony @ 4:22 pm

This was sent to my wife, who sent it to me.  I could clog everyone’s bandwidth by sending it to you but it is easier to post it here.

Enjoy and share by sending everyone a link to this site (I could use the traffic).  :)

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A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing.  I wonder how often we take it for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child. Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.

Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.

Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say yes .During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Any way’s, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution..

March 11, 2008

Describe Your Pastor

Filed under: Humor — DrTony @ 12:38 pm

The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect minister preaches exactly fifteen minutes.

He condemns sins but never upsets anyone.

He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor.

He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor.

He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years.

He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens.

The perfect minister smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work.

He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.

If your minister does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other churches that are tired of their minister, too. Then bundle up your minister and send him to the church on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 ministers and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure.

One church broke the chain and got its old minister back in less than three weeks….so don’t break the chain.

And then there was this ad for a pastor -

Tominthebox News Network - Religious Humor/Satire: Wanted: Senior Pastor

February 27, 2008

That Will Never Work

Filed under: General writings, Humor — DrTony @ 10:16 am

As a follow-up to my post last week “60 Excuses for a Closed Mind”, I give you the following statements.  Each of these statements is a prediction of the future in an area by people in that area.  Let us just say that the future turned out a little differently.  Like my “Collection of Sayings” and the “Excuses”, I have gathered these “predictions” over time.  When it was possible, the person who said it and the year it was said are listed.

While we will most definitely get a laugh out of some of these “predictions”, let us also keep in mind that, as we face the future, what we will encounter may not be what we think we will encounter.

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.” — Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859

“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.” — Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.” — Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” — Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

“No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris . . . [because] no known motor can run at the requisite speed for four days without stopping — Orville Wright (1871 - 194 8)

“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.” — Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” — David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s (David Sarnoff later became chair of the Radio Corporation of America, otherwise known as RCA).

“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.” — 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work (The Times later retracted their statement)

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” — H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” — Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” — Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind”

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” — Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” — The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” — Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

“But what … is it good for?” — Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp. in 1977

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” — Bill Gates, 1981

“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’” — Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer

“You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.” — Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the “unsolvable” problem by inventing Nautilus

“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.” — Spencer Silver on work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads

“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” — Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.” — A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

February 12, 2008

60 Excuses for a Closed Mind

Filed under: General writings, Humor — DrTony @ 4:49 pm

Just something to think about

  1. We tried that before.
  2. Our place is different.
  3. It costs too much.
  4. That’s beyond our control.
  5. That’s not my job.
  6. We’re all too busy to do that.
  7. It’s too radical of a change for this group.
  8. We don’t have the time.
  9. There is not enough help.
  10. That will make the other equipment obsolete.
  11. Let’s make a market research test of it first.
  12. Our plant is too small for it.
  13. Not practical for operating people.
  14. The people will never buy it.
  15. The supervisors will scream.
  16. We’ve never done it before.
  17. It’s against company policy.
  18. It runs up our overhead.
  19. We don’t have the authority.
  20. That’s too ivory tower.
  21. Let’s get back to reality.
  22. That’s not our problem.
  23. Why change, it’s still okay.
  24. I don’t like the idea.
  25. You’re right, but. . .
  26. You’re two years ahead of time.
  27. We’re not ready for that idea.
  28. We don’t have the money, the room, the equipment, the personnel, etc.
  29. It isn’t in the budget.
  30. It’s a good thought but highly impractical.
  31. You cannot teach an old dog new tricks.
  32. Let’s hold it in abeyance.
  33. Let’s give it more thought.
  34. Management would never do something like that.
  35. Let’s put it in writing.
  36. We’ll be the laughing stock of the public.
  37. Not that crazy idea again!
  38. We’d lose in the long run.
  39. Where did you dig that one up?
  40. We did all right without it.
  41. That’s what to expect for staff.
  42. It’s never been tried.
  43. Let’s shelve that idea for the moment.
  44. Let’s form a committee.
  45. Has anyone else ever done it?
  46. Division won’t like it.
  47. I don’t see the connection.
  48. It won’t work in our plant.
  49. What are you really saying?
  50. Maybe that will work in your department, but not in mine.
  51. The Employee Involvement Committee will never do it.
  52. Don’t you think we should look into it before we act?
  53. What do they do at our competitor’s plant?
  54. Let’s sleep on it.
  55. It can’t be done.
  56. It’s too much trouble to change.
  57. It won’t pay for itself.
  58. I know a fellow who it tried it.
  59. It’s impossible.
  60. We’ve always done it this way.
  61. And the all time favorite — WE’RE NO WORSE THAN OUR COMPETITORS!
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