Southern Born & Bred


This is not my regular post for this week (that will come later in the day/weekend) but one I posted back in May. I found some new stuff that I felt should go in, plus someone actually commented about it.

There is a saying out there that some people understand and some people just can’t begin to understand – “I am Southern born and Southern bred; when I die, I will be Southern dead.”

Now, before anyone jumps on my case, just because I am Southern doesn’t mean that I am some sort of anti-intellecual or that I am tied to traditions that should have never been held in high esteem (and anyone who reads my stuff knows how I feel about those traditions).

The following is not meant to be serious social commentary but humor so enjoy! 🙂

Bless your hearts and ya’ll have a blessed day now.
——————————————–

Subject: FW: SOUTHERNOSITY

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess”.

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder”.

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is — as in: “Going to town, be back directly”.

Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large (made-from-scratch) banana puddin.

Every Southerner grows up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece”.

They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. (We don’t do “queues”, we do “lines”; and when we’re “in line”, we talk to everybody!)

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.

Southerners never refer to one person as “ya’ll”.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, biscuits and coffee are perfectly wonderful…that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food…and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk”. Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar…and lots of it…we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.

And there’s the ol’ time favorite, “goin’ back home to see mommernem” for some “down home cookin”.

And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, “Bless her heart”, and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness….Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.

Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern “stuff”….Bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to give classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, ya’ll need a sign to hang on ya’lls front porch that reads: “I ain’t from the South but I got here as fast as I could”.

Bless your hearts…ya’ll have a blessed day…
An’ hurry back, now, ya hear?

Southern Born & Bred

If you are from the Northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.

The North has green salads, The South has collard greens

The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt; The South has the Bible Belt.

In the South: –If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store….do not buy food at this store.

Remember, “y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural, and “all y’all’s” is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing “Y’all ain’t from round here, are ya?”

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can’t understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big’ol,” truck or “big’ol” boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that “He needed killin” is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this,” you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn’t call ’em biscuits.

You know you’re at a Redneck Church if…


  1. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, “I ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get me out of”.
  2. A singing group is known as “The O.K. Chorale.”
  3. Baptism is referred to as “branding.”
  4. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
  5. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
  6. High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
  7. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of “two calves.”
  8. It’s not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
  9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
  10. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
  11. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
  12. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
  13. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
  14. The Call to Worship is “Y’all come on in!”
  15. The church directory doesn’t have last names.
  16. The doors are never locked.
  17. The final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come on back now, ya hear!”
  18. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can’t leave them a bag of squash.
  19. The pastor wears boots.
  20. The Preacher says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering” — and five guys stand up.
  21. The restroom is outside.
  22. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
  23. There is no such thing as a “secret” sin.
  24. When it rains, everybody’s smiling.
  25. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o’clock that afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health.

Y’all have a good day!

2 thoughts on “Southern Born & Bred

  1. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.

    When I was appointed to a rural circuit in Arkansas’ North Central district I almost never had to buy meat or vegatables or milk.

    Often times the meat was venison or duck.

    Once I was up north and started talking to people in line and they looked at me like I was a lunatic.

  2. One not on the list:

    In the South if you open the hood of your car on a parking lot within 3 minutes 10 men will be looking under your hood with advice about what is wrong.

    You could just be checking your oil level and they will do it anyway.

    If you are low on oil someone will give you some.

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