A Child’s Book Report on the entire Bible…


This was sent to my wife, who sent it to me.  I could clog everyone’s bandwidth by sending it to you but it is easier to post it here.

Enjoy and share by sending everyone a link to this site (I could use the traffic).  🙂

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A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing.  I wonder how often we take it for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child. Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.

Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.

Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say yes .During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Any way’s, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution..

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16 thoughts on “A Child’s Book Report on the entire Bible…

  1. Do you know where your wife got the story? All the references to it on Google seem to be like yours and I’d like to know where it originated. I doubt that it was written by a child — a little too well done — but I’d like to know from whence it came.

    Thanks

    • I got it from somewhere so you really don’t need my permission to pass it on. But do so anyway because we need to know that God does have a sense of humor.

      Dr. T

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  4. I first heard this in a sermon given by a gentleman with a New Zealand accent!
    What a fun way to start a talk! Take note, teachers, pastors, et al. our little ones ARE listening!

  5. Obviously not penned by a child; rarher by a disrespecting adult who pays little honor to God’s Word. The constant play on words does not in anyway reflect child authorship. It grieved me to read the trash.

    • I wasn’t going to reply to this comment but a more recent comment which echoed this one required a comment.
      To be honest, I don’t know how to respond. I always thought God had a sense of humor; otherwise why would we have one. Then again, I have a problem with individuals who feel that Bible is an invioable document. I think that puts the Bible on the level of the holy of holies in the Temple. Only one person was allowed to enter that part of the Temple and then only on Yom Kippur. Jesus’ sacrifice removed that aspect of faith from the picture. I will treat the Bible (and all Holy Scriptures, no matter what the faith) with respect but I also know that the way we teach sometimes opens us up to a good laugh.

  6. This SUPPOSED humorous story allegedly written by a child is in the first place too ridiculously contrived with obvious mispronounced and misunderstood words so sophistically deformed to look humorous that it could never have been done by a child. Any child that intelligent to have a complex memory and word knowledge would not be any where near that ignorant. Secondly whoever contrived this absurd and supposedly humorous account of the Bible and God has more of a deformed mind than any real appreciation of the Word of God. Finally, STUPID is not the same as FUNNY. At least not to intelligent thinking minds it isn’t!!

    • To be honest, I don’t know how to respond. I always thought God had a sense of humor; otherwise why would we have one. Then again, I have a problem with individuals who feel that Bible is an invioable document. I think that puts the Bible on the level of the holy of holies in the Temple. Only one person was allowed to enter that part of the Temple and then only on Yom Kippur. Jesus’ sacrifice removed that aspect of faith from the picture. I will treat the Bible (and all Holy Scriptures, no matter what the faith) with respect but I also know that the way we teach sometimes opens us up to a good laugh.

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  8. God also created humor! And beautiful creative minds! Thank you for sharing! We take ourselves much too seriously! Think of it this way… If it’s logical and sensible we don’t laugh! If it’s an illogical juxtaposition we laugh! There you have it! Sane people laugh! God loves that!

  9. I don’t think it was written by a child, but I did think it was funny with the play on words: Asparagus/Iscariot, Israel Lights/Israelites, manna/manicotti, leopards/lepers, opossums/apostles, etc. Thanks to whoever wrote it for the light-hearted touch it conveys and it makes you think about the real words or real Biblical narratives, if you know them. I believe, and hope I’m right, that God does have a sense of humor.

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