Typical State College
The Department of Astronomy, Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry, Zoology, and Zeppelin Repair at Typical State College in Erehwon has (pending approval of funding) a tenure-track faculty position open starting Autumn, 2008.
Ph.D. required; teaching and postdoctoral experience strongly preferred, as well as a proven history of acquiring outside funding for research. Preference will be given to experimentalists who can set up a prize-winning research program that successfully involves our illiterate culturally deprived undergraduates and prison work-release inmates and attracts high levels of outside funding.
Up to $50.00 in start-up funds are available, which will be deducted in monthly installments from the successful suck–er, candidate’s first year salary. Teaching excellence at all levels is required, as well as participation in single-handed development of introductory and advanced laboratories.
Duties include teaching (typical load is no more than 168 hours per week), maintenance of a rigorous and well-funded research program, and service on college committees and administration, including selling programs at athletic events and chauffeuring Coach Goodolboy’s football players around town.
Available research facilities include a machine shop (on a time-shared basis with the Midas Muffler franchise in Erehwon), a broken but repairable Tasco 60mm refractor, dual IBM 1800 computers each with 4K of core, a PDP-11 with high-speed paper-tape reader, a large refrigerator, and a partridge in a pear tree.
Candidates in the following fields are especially encouraged to apply: Astronomical Infrared Instrumentation, Experimental Condensed Matter Physics, Experimental Quantum Optics, Experimental Cosmology, Biophysics, and Advanced Grantsmanship, but outstanding applicants in all areas of astronomy and physics will be considered if their applications include a large enough check.
To apply, send a letter of application (including an outline of intended research and involvement of students, and a history of successful grant applications along with a curriculum vitae and three letters of reference) to: Dr. Tenured Lint, Chair – Department of Astronomy, Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry, Zoology, and Zeppelin Repair, Typical State College, Erehwon, Everywhere 12345-0666.
Only in extreme circumstances will persons without the ability to walk on water be considered. Review of applications will begin on April 1, 2008. Typical State College is required by law to say that it is an Equal Opportunity/Affirmative Action employer and especially welcomes applications from women and minority scientists but we hire who we darn well please.
I have been seeking a full-time teaching position (or any position that would utilize my background, skills, and experience for that matter) for the better part of the year. In December, I made the interview stage for one position but the search was canceled after the three finalists met with the administration. Recently, the same thing happened with another search. I made it through two of the three interviews before the search was canceled. In the first case, they notified me that the search was being canceled; I had to learn about the second one through job postings. I will keep trying.