Performance Reviews

I am reposting this because I think it is needed, though we may cry rather than laugh when we think of the situation we are in.

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This is somewhere out there in the ether but I wanted to put it anyway (some at CarTalk)

The following comments are said to have been included in actual performance reviews (the source seems to vary according):

• A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• A photographic memory but the lens cap glued on.
• A prime candidate for natural deselection.
• Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t running.
• Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
• Has two brains:  One is lost and the other is out looking for it.
• He brings a lot of joy when he leaves the room.
• He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
• He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.
• He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
• He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
• Sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• He would argue with a signpost.
• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
• I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
• I would not breed from this officer.
• If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.
• If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
• One neuron short of a synapse
• Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
• Some drink at the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
• Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
• Technically sound, but socially impossible.
• The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• Is really not so much of a has been, but more of a definitely won’t be.
• This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
• This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
• This officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope: always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
• This young lady had delusions of adequacy.
• When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
• When his I. Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems that is only to change feet.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.